Have your productive conversations ever gone off course after a seemingly off-hand remark?

It has happened to me lately. I realized – or felt – that a person in the conversation had become “victimy.” They said something like: “Of course, they blame me. They always do.” Or “I tried my best, but you know that team doesn’t respond.”

I find two things happen. First, productive interaction stops. Second, if you’re like me, there can be a tendency to get VERY judgmental. I can race to:

“Well, how responsible are you for what’s going on?”

“How good is your “best”? That team usually delivers.”

Of course, those thoughts will also short-circuit productive dialogue.

How can we quickly get re-engaged and productive, I wondered.

My thoughts went to Michael Bungay Steiner, the engrossing coaching expert because he cites the power of the Karpman drama triangle. And most importantly, the power of stepping off of it.

The drama triangle emerged from Transactional Analysis (TA), an out-of-vogue psychotherapy theory. Eric Berne, the TA creator, believed we could understand our emotions through our interpersonal and intrapersonal transactions. He proposed we filter those transactions through inner dialogues from a parent, child, or adult perspective.

Former actor Stephen Karpman built on TA with the drama triangle. It’s upside-down, with each side representing an emotional “role” we play – persecutor, victim, and rescuer.

Karpman thought our roles were mostly static. Bungay Steiner argues that while we default to one role, we bounce around the triangle in any situation.

When we’re persecutors, we instinctively pounce. In victim mode, we shirk any responsibility. And the rescuer, well, rescues trying to be a hero.

As long as we stay engaged in the drama, we won’t act effectively.

It seems simple. But how would you feel about taking a breath the next time you encounter conflict and asking yourself:

Where am I on the drama triangle?

Where are they on the drama triangle?

What can I ask to get us off the triangle?

It’s low risk. You’ll have super questions. I like two from Bungay Steiner:

How can I help?

What do you want?

These questions force shifting from a person’s go-to perspective – which doesn’t involve taking responsibility- to a position where they take responsibility for their actions.

So, what do you want? I’m curious to find out. Contact me and let me know.