Has this happened to you? A close friend or trusted colleague changing from someone you feel grateful to know to an unpredictable, volatile person you dread to encounter?
After experiencing that recently, I was intrigued to read the inimitable Adam Grant in The New York Times on frenemies and the stress they can cause. As he noted:
We all have frenemies. And they include more than just family and friends.
They can be your boss or coworkers. There can be that boss who assigns tough tasks because you do them well but never promotes you. Or the coworker who asks for help and then complains to the team about how you did the work.
Both parties contribute to the devolving situation. It’s not just what they said or did. It is also how you reacted. This dance leads to awkwardness and discomfort.
That can be because ambivalent relationships are unpredictable. You can get a compliment, no reaction, or a volcano at any time. Then, we have the stressful flight or fight response.
Many of us suffer in silence. That makes things worse.
As Grant noted, many studies show that ambivalent relationships impact your health. For example, one study in Psychological Science found that couples in ambivalent relationships were more likely to develop hardened arteries.
What to do?
Consider starting from an inquisitive position and asking:
- Do I care enough to risk bringing this up? And how well will this be received?
- If you decide to proceed, try testing the waters. I’ve used something like: “I can understand where you’re coming from. That wasn’t my intention. Would it make sense to have a conversation?”
- Then, gauge the response. If your frenemy is open to discussion and feedback, try active inquiry. Ask open-ended, nuanced questions (again). Offer neutral responses. And repeat until you reach some understanding.
Don’t expect a miracle, just less stress.
And you may need to ask the classic question: Can this relationship be saved?
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